I lost my job but found my heart
Updated: Jul 15, 2019
I accepted a job offer. It was the most money I've ever been offered, but it meant temporarily uprooting my life and moving from my beautiful Rocky Mountains and more specifically the Yampa Valley I've grown to love to, uh, well a place looking out over the ocean in South Florida---yeah it was hell. Okay not the location but there's often a little hell in the midst of heaven and vice versa.
It was one of those salary deals, so it was hard to turn off the computer; I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking about what I needed to be doing the next morning and I was setting my alarm early to get started, then forgetting what time I needed to stop working. In the midst of a spreadsheet a thought erupted. "So this is how it is for salaried people who can't figure out how to define the boundaries between work and rest! No wonder so many people don't have time to think about God or ponder the Universe, and if a fleeting thought of the divine were to mysteriously emanate across their excel sheet, would it really matter whether Mary was a virgin?"
Okay, granted that last thought was truly random but it really is what came into my head because a lot of time and doctrine gets pumped into the preparation of a church leader, and a precious amount of effort is focused upon convincing us whether the wine and bread are mysteriously the blood and flesh of Jesus or just symbols, or whether women are really allowed to teach in the church and what about ordaining those gays? No wonder most people don't want to bother with the church and prefer to describe themselves as spiritual not religious, if not agnostic or atheist.
As I continued to work, my eyes sometimes lifted from the laptop's screen to glance at the calm aqua waters outside my window. I watched a squadron of pelicans gain altitude before transforming their bodies into straight lines like winged harpoons descending from heaven to pierce the surface of the water for a fresh catch. It was in those few moments between excel sheets and winged dive bombers that my mind grasped the absurdity of so many church doctrines that keep us from encountering the divine. I understood why the church simply doesn't matter to most people---and rightfully so!
The next morning I broke dusk
with an early morning run before having to open the laptop again
and engage my phone in doing
all those things that smart phones
do. The sun was lifting itself sleepily through frothy clouds covering the ocean's glassy grey brim. I stopped, letting my eyes follow the gaze of a lone woman as she pointed across the sand to a huge hump half buried in the crusty damp mixture of broken shells and dried seaweed.
We both watched in
silence as the obviously
exhausted sea turtle
brushed sand over
her fresh mound of eggs, then
turned to begin a torturous pilgrimage toward the sea.
A couple joined us and began
to film the providential scene
until we watched her final deep breath as a last
push set her free into
the morning waves. [video below]
Our small entourage of four dispersed in the glow of knowing we had shared in a divine moment. "Couldn't it be that simple?" I thought, kicking sand as I walked while replaying scenes of the serendipitous encounter with the beautiful young turtle-mother bearing her gift of life and dancing in the rhythm of the kosmos. What if in a fleeting moment we had to flush centuries of doctrine down the eternal toilet and were left to ponder living with the life and love of the Christ consciousness or the wisdom and compassion of the Buddha mind? What if we relished in the impermanence of life and our infinite connection?
After sharing the morning's excitement with several others, I entered into the job----the one that paid more than I'd ever made and that seldom left my thoughts, and the one that also became the shortest lived job I've ever experienced. As quickly as it came, it was over. No coaching, no reason, no apology. I had uprooted my life and moved across the country. More so, I was devastated to lose the income that would finally offer a sense of financial freedom. Worse yet, I felt betrayed. After loading my belongings into the car, my sister drove as I sat beside her drinking a cold beer disguised in a Yeti cup. "I'm tired of finding meaning in losing!" I cried running my fingers through my hair, "For once I want to be the winner! The rich winner! I'm sure I could find meaning in winning if for once I could just win!"
But when I stepped off the plane into the cool mountain air and drove past fresh green hills spattered with the mule's ears' bright yellow blossoms spreading themselves like an old quilt to blanket the deep green fields, I tasted heaven again.
The next day I set out on my bright orange Salsa Spearfish to climb Emerald Mountain, pedaling her switchbacks, my heart racing from living at sea level over the previous weeks. Damp grasses and new leaves radiated the smells of summer as I rounded a long curve to see the huge rumps of two black bears scatter the field only a few yards away. "It's super special to see a bear" one friend told me, "an encounter with the bear is an encounter with God."
Yesterday, as my good friend Colten and I walked the dirt path around Stagecoach Reservoir, batting at the blackflies and midges, the clear sky and bold sun were darkened by a great shadow that immediately stopped each of us, forcing our faces to the sky and into the oncoming presence of a grand Bald Eagle flying so low above our heads that we could see the silver glimmer off the scales of the fish he held in his talons. Colten grabbed my shoulders. "Holy fucking shit! A bald eagle!" he said as we turned to watch it fly over the fields behind us. "We just saw a holy fucking bald eagle with a fish in it's talons!" he repeated as we finished the path back to the car with the new energy of having shared in another divine encounter.
This morning I walked to one of my many jobs. In the valley most of us work several jobs to get by. I smiled because I don't have to think about how to create the boundaries between work and rest because I get paid by the hour. I can think about how wonderful it is not to wake up thinking about all those things I have to do for the job that paid more than I've ever made and I can think about how great it is not to have to think about doctrine or whether a woman has the wisdom, capacity and permission from God to teach a man. I can laugh out loud when I think how intelligent people will fight over whether Mary was a virgin when I doubt Jesus thought twice about whether he was the result of his mom having sex, even with his dad--seriously, who can stomach the image of their parents having sex? I get to think about how great it is to be back in my mountains, to see the beautiful faces of my friends and feel the heartbeat of the Universe all around resonate through me.
My walk took me alongside the Yampa River, full and bulging from the high country's last snow melt. I listened to her waters slap at rocky edges and watched miniature waterfalls cascade large boulders. I felt the oneness with the waters and the grasses and the smiles of people who passed and felt such gratitude for the jobs which have opened their doors to me, the coworkers who are happy to see me and the laughter and hugs from friends who have welcomed me back from the shortest job I've ever held--the one that paid the most I've ever made--for 10 days--and the one that made me thankful to savor heaven in my heart. There are no mistakes, only guideposts...like pelicans, sea turtles,bears, bald eagles and friends. Couldn't it be as simple as that?
Practice If you are that person with no time to ponder God or the Universe or Life, then try getting up just a little earlier in the morning for 10 minutes to quiet your mind, listen to soft music or relish in silence. Recognize the thoughts moving through your mind and slowly let them go without judgment. This is not time to search for God, but to allow yourself to connect; let God come to you in your silence. If you walk or run outside, allow yourself to lose your thoughts; focus on the leaves, the flowers, the beauty of the sky. Once again, let God come to you. Remain open. A heart open, will be filled.
Gratitude I highly recommend The Artist's Way: A spiritual path to higher creativity by Julia Cameron. This is a delightful book which will arouse a spirit of creativity and also gratitude. The author recommends writing "morning pages" to rid ourselves of "the junk" that clutters our thoughts in order to open our minds to new creativity. And I would add to that, "evening gratitude pages." Gratitude for the smallest things snowballs and soon we are grateful for everything around us. (And on that note, thanks for reading all the way to the bottom of the page ;-)